2011 Spike TV Video Game Awards recap

First, let’s look back at the year that was 2011 for video games. Sony’s network got hacked and Xbox’s dashboard severely changed. This, on top of Steam’s gargantuan presence among the now-superior-looking PC market, opened many gamers’ eyes to how outdated this console generation has become. Games are now much, much cheaper and much more spectacular through digital means than by buying physical discs for consoles that have terrible interfaces.

Disregarding the fact that smartphones and Steam are the future of games, how did the consoles handle this year? Xbox still thinks their next Kinect game will be the big killer app to validate its existence. Sony is content that its motion device isn’t in clearance aisles just yet, it has some exclusives to burn, and that its subscriptionless Blu-Ray-and-Netflix-playing device is still worth owning. And as for Nintendo, they held on by fingernails hoping that 3DS would sell and WiiU hype would catch fire, while comforting one of their worst years ever with exclusives like Zelda.

But that’s the Big Three, what about consoles in general? What’s going to shown on this show? Sequels, baby, sequels! This year saw many great games, but all sequels. Elder Scrolls V, Arkham Asylum 2, Gears 3, Modern Warfare 3, Portal 2 -- all sequels. Whether deserved or driven by sales, this year’s games stemmed from an impact made in the past. While I enjoyed many games this year (and many were very well received) none really grabbed me because I knew exactly what to expect. Speaking of knowing what to expect, let’s begin...

The show kicks off in a psychiatrist’s office with actor Zachary Levi (who will eternally be known as TV’s Chuck) lying on the couch. He tells the doctor he’s been losing sleep because he’s been chosen to host this year’s Video Game Awards show. As he explains the show, he keeps downgrading how much of an honor it is to host. The camera reveals his shrink as Dr. Hugo Strange from Arkham City, who sticks a syringe into Chuck’s head.

Chuck dreams he is different video game characters, meaning it’s Wacky Cosplay Time. Chuck dresses as a Modern Warfare 3 soldier. Chuck dresses as a Lego Jedi. Chuck dresses as a clown goon from Arkham City. I’m just thankful one of the costumes isn’t from the game Catherine. Finally Chuck is dressed like Ezio and told to take a giant leap of faith, like in Assassin’s Creed. Chuck pulls up various weapons from his inventory, derping all the way, until he picks the Portal gun and leaves through a hole in the wall.

The camera cuts back to the awards’ arena where Chuck is on a harness getting ziplined through an orange ring and onto the stage, causing the stage pyro to explode. Chuck’s goofy laugh haunts us, leading into the show’s introduction.

The intro’s line-up looks a little sparse, with very few presenters, acts, or premiere trailers listed. The only thing it makes a big deal of is the “exclusive” Metal Gear Rising trailer, which ironically was the only leak going into this award show. The announcer is just the standard echoed female voice used for most Spike TV promos and the location is never disclosed. As for the arena itself, it’s about as barebones as I’ve ever seen this show: standard stadium seating with a circular set at one end and rows of folding tables on the main floor where the audience is seated. This along with the untouched subs or sliders on each table just makes it look like a bad company picnic.

Chuck is unharnessed offscreen and now stands on stage dressed in an ugly plaid suit, looking like Pee-Wee Herman if he was a librarian. Although the crowd sounds like they’re going crazy, the camera shows the audience at the company picnic giving him only tepid applause. Hmmm. Interesting.

While Chuck starts his monologue, I anticipate lame video game jokes and start to fashion the noose around my neck. Thankfully, based on what I saw, Chuck likes video games so much, he has actually emulated Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat and stolen the soul of Jimmy Fallon to be a overly-enthusiastic, yet mildly-abrasive host for this night. He starts by pointing out video game players are almost 43% women, which two random MILFs shown in the audience appreciate, and then he introduces Deadmau5 as tonight’s DJ. Deadmau5 is shown in a skybox DJ booth, taking the place of long-retired VGA DJ Funkmaster Flex and his neglected turntables.

Chuck also mentions that, on top of the exclusive trailers, this awards show will be using Augmented Reality. Basically 3D CGI cardboard cutouts will be floating around the screen, like the CGI overlay they had last year but with a bullet-time pan on them. At this point I think some markets are showing this in 3D, as Chuck takes 5 minutes showing off various 3D characters and items from the 5 Game of the Year nominees. The crowd cheers for this even though, to them, Chuck is just pointing around a huge empty stage.

But Chuck is not just a hired hand for this show. He actually knows about the game companies and development studios, and takes another 5 minutes to point them out in the audience. Which the producers undermine by never putting any of these people on camera, making Chuck look like he’s just rambling off familiar gaming studios and pointing at random people in the crowd. The camera does focus on the Activision table so Chuck can make a “hope Modern Warfare 3 breaks even LOL” joke, but no familiar faces are among them.

So besides all the 3D bullshit, this has been a pretty solid presentation, especially with Chuck looking enthusiastic and genuine about the show and video games as a whole. Time to fuck all that shit. Chuck says that, like the Oscars, there is a time limit to acceptance speeches. If a speech goes too long, you will hear a beeping noise and then be teabagged. Chuck then hears a beeping noise and is wrestled to the ground and teabagged by a man in a soldier’s outfit for five minutes. Simulated, not the man’s actual balls in Chuck’s mouth -- there are some standards on this show.

After the American Pie piefucker is shown yucking it up, Chuck loses his place and then remembers to back up a little bit so the 3D cutouts for Portal 2 can bounce around the screen. Chuck goes on and on about all the great things about Portal 2 and then officially nominated it for Game of the Year. A highlight video for the game is shown, but strangely another actor is heard as the voice of Wheatley. I think it was that mildly-retarded sounding guy they used for the early version of this game. This will make even less sense later in the night.

The announcer presents will.i.am from the alleged-popular Black Eyed Peas dance game. He nearly falls down the stairs of what looks like an empty DJ booth on his way to the stage. This, along with audience shots of Hulk Hogan and his creepy underage bride, is a really unsettling way to start the show. The will.i.am-bot robotically says that he eats, breathes, and shits games and that all sensors indicate we will love to see the premiere of this top-secret Playstation exclusive project.

The project turns out to be a Naughty Dog game – The Last of Us. The pre-rendered video looks, on the surface, like Left 4 Dead Island (a father and daughter running from zombies), especially if the island was New York from I Am Legend and the zombies had broccoli for heads.

Brooklyn Decker walks out onto the stage. Her only association to any type of game is announced as her starring in the upcoming Battleship movie. Or as I like to see it -- Hasbro’s experiment to see how loosely they can base a movie on one of their toy properties and still make money off of a Michael-Bay-inspired-geared-to-the-Maxim-magazine-crowd movie. Brooklyn, sounding like the perfect sex robot and looking like a 40-year-old soap opera actress, sweet-talks the crowd about waiting for and opening video games and then reveals the nominees for Best Action/Adventure Game. I don’t normally go over the nominees, but I need to point out how dry this year looks when they only have 4 games to nominate and one of them is Zelda: Skyward Sword.
Best Action/Adventure Game: Batman: Arkham City
Hold on a minute, the announcer is getting the rest of Batman’s awards out of the way. Remember, they have no time on this two hour show to recognize any game twice (except the Game of the Year).
Best Xbox 360 Game: Batman: Arkham City
Best Adapted Video Game: Batman: Arkham City
A bald guy and a club-scene guy accept for Rocksteady Studios. They are presented the trophy, which is still the deep blue Vector Monkey statue from last year. The clubster nervously thanks the production team and the fans, while the bald guy proves he isn’t mute.

Elsewhere on the stage, Chuck introduces Deadmau5 in the DJ booth once again. This time he mentions that Deadmau5 has a Playstation Vita game coming out. Wait, what? Think about it: if you were Sony (and you know they’re a part of this show), wouldn’t you use this advertisement of a show to...I don’t know...present your new system to all the uninformed bros and console kiddies, especially when this uneventful show points out how this console generation is coming to an end? Just a thought.

Commercials. Nothing of note just yet.

After the break, Chuck snerks to himself about a quick Alec Baldwin/Words with Friends joke before bringing up the topic of online gaming. Chuck pinballs and rambles through various jokes on the subject until he finally addresses a real problem: douchebags. What starts off as a play on “you might be a redneck” jokes quickly becomes Chuck seriously explaining how team-killing, exploiting glitches to get ahead, and using racial and homophobic slurs makes you an online piece-of-shit that ruins all the fun. The audiences applauds as Brooklyn Decker doesn’t get any of this and Seth Green looks uncomfortable. He must be one of those online racists Chuck was talking about.

Chuck then announces the Character of the Year award is up for voting on the VGA’s website (and thankfully Dane Cook will not be presenting the nominees this year). Chuck kicks it off by nominating The Joker from Arkham City. Like last year, personalized CGI videos of these characters will play for each of the nominees. In this one, Joker stalks around his hideout while Harley drops and breaks the award Rocksteady just won. The strangest thing about all this is that Mark Hamill did Joker’s voice for this quick video, even though he said he was retiring from the character after Arkham City.

LL Cool J walks onto the stage for the next presentation. The only connection he has to anything electronic, let alone video games, is announced is him being the founder of boomdizzle.com, whatever the hell that is. LL asks where the gamers are and the camera zooms in on the random MILFs again.
LL: “When Bioware came out with Mass Effect 1 and 2, I wondered where they could go from here, right?”
Audience:
LL: “Right?!”
After yelling at the crowd until they respond, LL explains that in this Mass Effect, Commander Shepard will save Earf from the robotic Reapers. Unlike the other two Mass Effects where you take on the Reapers. Oh, and I guess this means it wins an award:
Most Anticipated Game: Mass Effect 3
The video shows some exciting psuedo-gameplay of Shepard, Garrus, and some new guy running Gears-of-War-style from a giant Halo beetle-robot. The robot looks like it has the drop on them until a giant sandworm (Thrasher Maw?) takes it out.

LL screams about how great that video looked while Brooklyn Decker fake-claps in the audience. He also reveals a video for a new game that will “represent a new direction and genre from Bioware.” The video looks like a throwaway cutscene from Battlefield as tanks roll through a downtown Middle-Eastern city. Quickly the title is flashed: Command and Conquer Generals 2. Coming 2013. Looks like EA is finally sinking their claws into Bioware and making them do their dirty work.

Chuck introduces the self-proclaimed go-to female celebrity for online games herself, Felicia Day, who will be backstage all night to embarrass herself in support of Child’s Play, the charity designed by Penny Arcade to provide games for sick kids in hospitals. She’ll be doing this by playing vaguely-video-game-related Double Dare challenges for mostly unspecified amounts of money. Let the games begin...

Felicia’s backstage (looking pretty damn hot in a tight Spiderman suit) along with the bloated son of Seth McFarlane. Wait, nevermind, it’s one of the Jonas Brothers. Representing this year’s annual Spiderman game, Felicia and Shemp Jonas will put on velcro suits and jump onto a wall covered in dollar amount signs. Both jump and are immediately immobilized against the wall. If the point of this skit was to show off how nice Felicia’s ass looks --mission accomplished! The skit awkwardly ends as everyone realizes there’s no graceful way to pry them both off the wall.

Commercials. End of the first quarter.

After the break, a video immediately plays for the next nominee for Character of the Year: Nathan Drake from Uncharted 3. Just like every Uncharted 3 video, Nathan is pissed standing next to that crashed plane in the desert. This is personalized by Nathan wearing a tuxedo and walking away, bitching about being late for the VGAs.

A grumbly voice welcomes us to Arkham City as the stage is now filled with 3D cutouts of Batman characters with Chuck hidden among them. He explains how the previous Batman game did the impossible by being both a great game and great representation of the source material, only to be outdone by the recent game. And then he nominates “Arkham Asylum” for Game of the Year.

After an impressive nomination video for Arkham City, Chuck calls Shemp Jonas out to the stage, talking about him like the Jonas Brothers are still big sex symbols and big game sellers (if you count Disney Sing It). Shemp nearly swallows his microphone describing the next game premiere as taking place in a corrupt and impoverished world. The game is Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Patriots and immediately I remember the old Rainbow Six games being great squad-based shooters. And the word “patriots” in the title implies your squad may be going rogue to take out corrupt government officials. Nope. In true Call of Duty viral marketing fashion, the video is a shock scene of suited badasses storming into the ivory tower of a 1%-er, strapping a bomb to him, throwing him out of his office window, and detonating him in the middle of traffic on a busy street. Truly tasteless.

Back on stage, Chuck reminds us that gamers are all about competition. Just like the voting competition on the VGA website to pick the cover athlete of the new NFL Blitz game (now an EA Sports title). The crowd gives absolutely no reaction to this announcement until the 4 athletes are shown. Whichever cover they use, all of them look like the shitty not-Blitz games you saw swimming in the PS2 Bargain Bins about 5 years ago.

Chuck again gets segue-flustered and then remembers to present a video for Activision’s Hire a Vet program. The video shows Call of Duty characters reminding everyone that when a veteran comes home, nobody wants to hire them. So Activision has set up a program to help vets get back into the workplace. I know I’m going to hell for thinking this, but Nintendo should’ve had a parody spot with the Mario Brothers reminding people to hire plumbers.

The show dies down to go to commercial, but not before airing the most unintentionally funny spot of the night: two bros are sitting on a couch talking shit and playing games until they are both killed in-game. Who did it? The camera turns to reveal Colonel Sanders sitting next to them dressed in his trademark plantation owner’s outfit. On the surface, this may not sound funny until you consider Chuck calling out bro-gamers as being insensitive racists and the commercial has two bros playing with the most offensive and racist company mascot next to Aunt Jemima.

Commercials. What does it say about the expanse of the Call of Duty franchise when Jeep makes an official Call of Duty Jeep?

Coming back from break, the camera pans through the audience while waiters are at most of the tables. Sorry guys, the sliders still haven’t been touched. On stage, a giant CGI cardboard cutout of a dragon looms overhead as Chuck gushes about Skyrim. After pointing out this came out last month (and nominated before it was available to the public), Chuck formally nominated Skyrim for Game of the Year. A video plays showing off many of the environments and trailer scenes while that one Skyrim song plays in the background. I must admit, I don’t give a shit about fantasy games, but this makes Skyrim look pretty cool. Actually, the video is so good, after it plays, the stage climaxes with little puffs of flames.

Comedy Central’s latest flavor-of-the-month, the cast of Workaholics, walk down from the empty DJ booth and will not stop whooping and shouting. They even drown out the announcer reading off each their names. They’re here to present the new Alan Wake game.
Glasses Workaholic: “It’s like playing a horror movie written by Steve King and directed by Albert HitchCOCK!”
Upon hearing “COCK!”, the rest of the Workaholics scream out in laughter until the premiere video plays. The game is called Alan Wake’s American Nightmare. It should also be noted that one of the guys called it an “Xbox Live” game before seeing the video. The video makes it look like an arcade version of Alan Wake, with the same areas, just scaled down and with greater firepower. Despite the game looking like more of the same Alan Wake nobody bought the first time, the title card gives it a grindhouse feel.

Seth Green walks out onstage and starts talking about it being the 25th anniversary of the Legend of Zelda. After mentioning all the fun he’s had with the series, he announces that Zelda is now the first game to be entered into the Video Game Hall of Fame. Wait, which Hall of Fame? Aren’t there like three different Halls of Fame for games?
Video Game Hall of Fame: The Legend of Zelda
Oh, I guess it must be the Spike TV one.

A montage video shows all the previous Zelda games (excluding the CD-I ones, of course) concluding with Skyward Sword. Back in the arena, the lights dim and the Godfather of Video Games himself, Shigeru Miyamoto comes out holding the award. In a nice touch, he holds it over his head like Link finding a new item. A much-deserved standing ovation erupts in the crowd. Surprising to me, Miyamoto breaks out the English and thanks everybody who loves the Zelda and Mario games and says Nintendo is humbled by the fans’ continued support.

After this amazing display (especially on a show like this), how do you follow it up? Felicia Day playing live-action Fruit Ninja with a samurai sword, while the Workaholics throw fruit at her. After realizing they have enough fruit to last for the next two hours, the camera just cuts back to the stage.

On stage is Carrie Keagan, who will be keeping track of all the Twitter bullshit for this show tonight. Carrie mentions that Alan Wake and Zelda are the latest VGA trends online. Maybe because they were the last two games shown. As the show goes to another commercial break, it should be noted that we’re an hour into the show and only two awards have been presented, including one that wasn’t up for voting.

Commercials, including an extended promo for Sherlock Holmes 2. End of 2nd quarter.

Coming back, the announcer says to check the VGA website for more info on the new Alan Wake game. After that, we go straight to another nominee for Character of the Year: Wheatley from Portal 2. The video spoils the end of Portal 2 by showing where Wheatley ended up. And depending on who you ask, clues are hidden throughout the video that hints at Half-Life 3, when at most it will probably be for Portal 2 DLC, like when they changed the ending of the first Portal. And speaking of Wheatley, if they used Stephen Merchant’s voice for the custom-made video, why couldn’t they get his voice for the GOTY nomination video?

The stage fills up with 3D cutouts of Tomb-Raider-style artifacts and items, which means Uncharted 3 is up next. Interestingly, Chuck doesn’t seem as enthusiastic like when he announced the other games tonight, meaning he probably hasn’t played it or doesn’t care. Chuck officially nominates Uncharted 3 for Game of the Year, showing a video of basically everything you’ve already seen in the last twenty Uncharted 3 commercials.

Old-ass Tony Hawk is wheeled out for his annual VGA appearance (as if this show needs traditions), while the announcer reveals they’re making a Tony Hawk Pro Skater HD game. Reset button -- that’s what the Tony Hawk franchise forgot to do. As he addresses the crowd, it looks like time has not been kind to Mr. Hawk -- looking bug-eyed and like he’s wearing a toupee.

Tony sets up the premiere of the 2012 Spiderman game, which incidentally will be a movie tie-in. But there’s the problem. As far as I’ve heard, the villain in the new movie will be The Lizard. But in the video, the game’s story is that Oscorp is making car-sized and giant-sized bug robots to destroy the city. The only thing that remotely looks related to the new movie is Spidey’s new outfit.

A sad realization washes over the show as Spike TV’s biggest star comes to the stage. You see, since UFC has now jumped networks to the Fox stations, the biggest name on the Spike TV banner is that of the 58-year-old face of Impact Wrestling, Hulk Hogan. Hogan staggers out looking like the nursing home version of whatever you think Hulk Hogan would look like today, while still trying to swagger like when he became a bad guy almost 15 years ago. The saddest part is when the camera catches his underage bride in the audience taking cellphone pictures, like this is the only thing he lives for.

Having Hogan up here makes sense, since time has forgot him and he is an afterthought. Just like the list of Non-Award Awards they couldn’t bother to present in person on the show. The announcer lumps them together for each winning game, but I’m going to list them individually so you get a sense of just how much they left off the show:
Best PS3 Game: Uncharted 3
Best Graphics: Uncharted 3
Best Wii Game: Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
Best Motion Game: Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
Best Fighting Game: Mortal Kombat
Best Independent Game: Minecraft
Best Handheld/Mobile Game: Super Mario 3D Land
Best Song: Bastion
Best Original Score: Bastion
Best Downloadable Game: Bastion
Best Individual Sports Game: Fight Night Champion
Best PC Game: Portal 2
Best Multi-Player: Portal 2
Best DLC: Portal 2
Best Performance by a Human Male: Stephen Merchant (Wheatly in Portal 2)
Best Performance by a Human Female: Ellen McClain (Glados in Portal 2)
Let’s examine this list for a second. 16 awards across 8 games and 2 individuals that they couldn’t bother to air in person. Not to mention, the list is terrible. How does Uncharted 3 win for best graphics when it’s not even on a PC (where every gamer knows the best graphics/framerates are these days)? Which song from Bastion won? What was the name of the Portal 2 DLC so I may purchase it? Who did Nintendo have to suck off to win Best Mobile Game in the era of the iPhone?

We cut to Felicia backstage, stationed at a conveyor belt in front of a Little Big Planet 2 sign. For this challenge Felicia and Brooklyn Decker will be taking cupcakes off the moving belt with their mouths -- a game everyone remembers from Little Big Planet 2. If the purpose of this skit was to show Felicia and Brooklyn perform vague fellatio and a bunch of moving cupcakes -- mission accomplished! The announcer tell us to check out more about Spiderman 2012 at the VGA website.

Commercials.

As we return, the announcer reminds everyone to vote on the VGA website for the NFL Blitz cover as well as Character of the Year. Speaking of which, another nomination video airs for Character of the Year: Marcus Fenix for Gears of War 3. Marcus is in the heat of battle, being the total badass he is. And then he sticks a grenade in a guy and says “Hope you’re having a blast!” Groan.

Chuck is now sitting on the steps of the stage and makes a quick joke about “social gamers” (meaning games like Mafia Wars on Facebook). The joke is they’re all on their phones and not being social to each other. Speaking of bullshit at a video game show, Chuck presents the band The Black Keys. As I’ve stated in the past, I don’t follow music, so I have no idea who these guys are. As far as this show is concerned, I’ve never even heard their stuff in any video games. The performance isn’t bad, and the band just looks and sounds as if Buddy Holly existed in the year 2011 and dressed like Weezer. As expected, the crowd is not jamming out to the song (as they never have in the past), but there must be something hypnotic about it if it can make Tony Hawk, Hulk Hogan, Seth Green, and even Shigeru Miyamoto bob their heads to the beat.

After the set, Chuck walks through the crowd (revealing an embarrassed girl taking cellphone pictures). He says that gamers are very passionate and some more than others. I know, just ask my wife...hello! But Chuck doesn’t mean that kind of passion, he’s talking about rage. Take the example of blogger Black Baron, or for the purposes of this show: The Angry Black Man.

Chuck plays a YouTube video Angry Black Man made in his car last year, bitching and cussing about the bullshit nominees for the 2010 show. Chuck reveals that Spike TV actually footed the bill and got The Angry Black Man there in person. And he’s sitting across from Neil Sherman, the slimy, Burn-Notice-villain-looking Spike executive in charge of the VGAs. Even though TABM just stares at Burn Notice guy, Chuck says he’s changed his tune and made a new video.

The new video plays and TABM has been satisfied. What was his big beef? He just wanted Skyward Sword nominated. What? WHAT?! Ok, fuck the rest of this skit, let’s look at this. You’re telling me that in the year when Nintendo’s credibility and stock is so low that they have to (and this is just my outlook) rig it so a 3DS game wins in the Mobile Game category, rig it so Zelda is nominated up and down the card and have Miyamoto win a lifetime achievement award to make Zelda look cool and relevant, and also have Miyamoto himself rocking out on camera to look hip with the kids -- on this year, Spike TV has to frame it that an irate gamer is what forced their hand into nominating this game? I can’t fucking believe this shit.

Anyway, Stacy Keibler is in the empty DJ booth to reveal her big crush. It’s Optimus Prime. So imagine she’s fingerbanging herself to this premiere of Transformers: Fall of Cybertron. In case you don’t know, this game is a sequel to last year’s War for Cybertron, a Gears of War take on the original toyline. In what is actually one of the better trailers of the night, a sappy Madworld-type song plays as Optimus carries his severely damaged, implied lover Bumblebee through a battlefield while leading the fight against a robot I assume is Megatron. Old familiar faces pop up like Bruticus, Grimlock, and Starscream as nice touches. But I have to say this: I’m a child of the 80’s and I love Transformers. I loved them as a kid. But between the constant retread on my childhood memories, through the non-stop movies, games, toys, and cartoons, I think I’m about done with Transformers altogether.

An extended Chevy spot plays, which, by the way, mentions:
Best Driving Game: For(t)za Motorsport 4

Commercials. In an odd showing, there’s an ad for Google, explaining how it helped the winner of the $1 million Major League Baseball 2K11 no-hitter contest. End of third quarter.

Returning from break, a ring of CGI swords are thrust into the stage. Chuck tells us that after 15+ Zelda games, Skyward Sword is the most cinematic one yet and then presents a highlight video, formally nominating it for Game of the Year.

After the video is probably the most hilarious part of the night. Knowing how tired everything about this man has become, Chuck begrudgingly calls out Charlie Sheen, and then sticks his tongue squarely in his cheek before walking offstage. Charlie, not as insane as you’d expect, sets the scene of an intense FPS gunfight. Nope, that’s just Tuesday in the Sheen house! LOLOLOL! But seriously, Charlie took this gig after asking how much it paid and if there were women. The cameraman finds those two random MILFs again to prove women are there.
Best Shooter: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Three college-aged American-Pie-looking goons come up to accept. The main goon intentionally goes long so Sherminator, who keeps looking offstage for the soldier, can be teabagged.

Jerry Rice, whose last contribution to games was Jerry Rice and Nitus’ Dog Football, walks out to make an announcement. His batteries must be low because he slooowly, robotically, and then finally spits out who won the vote for NFL Blitz cover athlete. It was Ray Rice. Con...grat...u...la...tions.

We cut to backstage where Chuck is standing next to an actual cow. Because cows are in Farmville. And Farmville is a game. And this is a show about games. Moving on...

Clifford Bleszinski (announced as Cliffy B) is in the empty DJ booth. He says this year is the 20th anniversary of Epic Games and they’re going to try something new. Their new game will be one where you scavenge, build, and survive. Minecraft? Nope, the game is called Fortnite and the video is...yeah. It’s a very cartoony found-footage trailer where ghetto kids (ugh) grab a bunch of junk and fortify a building to defend it against (ugh) zombies. I think they should have just stuck to Minecraft.

Heading into the commercial break, Mac and Cheese replays all three of the award winners from over the past 1 hour and 37 minutes.

Commercials. Spike TV has kicked up ancient internet personality iJustine to cover their CES special. She should go to the event as if she’s still stuck in 2001 and that she’s scared of the new technology.

Coming back, Carrie Keagan updates us on all the Twitter bullshit again. Guess what, the last two games mentioned are trending. She also gives Verizon customers a number to text to see a trailer for an Android game. Now they make trailers for cellphone games. Still think Nintendo is #1 for handhelds?

Ready to feel old? Stifler and the piefucker from American Pie come out to promote the American Pie class reunion movie. They will be presenting the Gamer God award. This is interesting because the last time they awarded this, it went to Will Wright to promote Spore. So I guess it goes to Miyamoto? Wait, he just won the Hall of Fame award. Isn’t this the same thing? Well, no. Actually it’s just a glorified Studio of the Year award. (Spoiler: Blizzard wins)

The two American Pie guys are hilarious during this presentation. While both are singing the praises of the company that made Diablo, Starcraft, and World of Warcraft, Piefucker acts like he wouldn’t touch these games with a ten foot pole, while Stifler acts like these games are the gayest shit ever.
Gamer God Award: Blizzard Entertainment
This award is so prestigious that Stifler and Piefucker are laughing and trading nutshots as the 3 Blizzard founders are announced and come to the stage. The main oldie, looking like Art Garfunkle, acts very genuine with his thanks. And then, in complete coincidence, Garfunkle debuts the opening cinematic to Diablo 3. In it, a woman dreams of demons raining down on earth and raising a giant demon before she finally wakes up. Her old uncle is looking through tomes about hell on earth when suddenly he’s killed by raining hellfire.

In a funny bit, Chuck’s low health bar is displayed on the giant onstage monitor. Chuck walks around to various tables, picking up video game tropes to refill it: a turkey leg (real and cold), a blue potion (tastes like urine), and a medkit (Chuck: “How does this work? Do I rub it on myself? It works so fast in the games.”)

Chuck brings out Felicia Day from backstage to present a new trailer for Bioshock Infinite. This is where you can tell who the real gamers are on this show. Felicia seems tickled pink to be presenting it and gushes over what make the Bioshock games so great, before getting completely giddy as the video starts. The trailer shows off more setpieces from the game, set to the old spiritual song “May the Circle Be Unbroken”. Still looks good, but nothing really shocking compared to the previous trailers. Now I’ll admit, this is my most anticipated game of 2012, but I’m starting to get worried that it will just be a series of setpieces and not the insane haunted-house-world that you could explore in the last two games.

Commercials.

Back from the break, the announcer reminds us to see more about Diablo 3 at the VGA website, while two men walk onstage. They’re two fighters from the Bellator (note: not UFC) MMA fighting promotion and they’re dressed like two characters from Glee. Together they compose just enough English to say that they are revealing the winner of the people’s vote.
Character of the Year: Joker from Batman Arkham City
In the CGI acceptance video, Joker stalks dangerously around his lair before popping up behind a podium to accept the award. In the podium he finds a script for “Batman Arkham World” and pitches it saying he won’t need it. Joker: “Spoilers.”

Now this is what it’s all come down to -- the presentation for Game of the Year. To bring this baby home, Chuck himself decides to recap the nominees and announce the winner.
Game of the Year: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
The announcer mentions the other two awards for this game:
Best RPG: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Studio of the Year: Bethesda Game Studios
I could complain about the Studio of the Year versus the Gamer God award, but fuck it, let’s keep moving. Three guys accept the award. Two guys thank their wives for putting up with their schedule and the third guy must really be a mute.

So that’s the show, right? Wrong. Don’t tell me you forgot about the HUGE exclusive reveal promised for the end of this show. The trailer so secret, it was the only VGA trailer to get leaked before the show aired. The announcer presents the creator of “Metal Gear.......”, Hideo Kojima. Kojima stands in the empty DJ booth next to the producer of his new game and attempts to talk to the crowd. Attempts. Because his English is horrible. He desperately tries to spit out the name of the game and apologizes about his English for so long, my DVR actually cuts out. I pick the show back up just in time to see Kojima give up and tag off to his associate, who knows at least enough English to kick off the video.

In case you missed it, the game is a Metal Gear game, but not a “Solid” game or featuring Snake. Instead it’s all about Raiden, who’s now a cyborg-ninja with an electric ninja sword. Sneaking and stealth are completely out the window, in exchange for Ninja Raiden. Actually, I didn’t mean that as a pun, but it fits perfectly. The whole game looks like Ninja Gaiden with Raiden walking on walls and cutting many things into many pieces. At the end of the trailer, you see why Kojima had such a tough time. The name of the game: Metal Gear Rising Revengeance. Explained as “Revenge with a Vengeance.” That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying something is relevantance -- relevant with relevance. I just don’t know what else to say about this one.

Anyway, Chuck thanks everyone, including new producer of this show, Survivor’s Mark Burnett. I also thank the guy because that at least means the show won’t end with the production logo flipping you off. And that’s a wrap.

So how about that show? I gotta admit it was a pretty good showing. Even if Zachary Levi and Felicia Day aren’t huge gamers or nerds in real life, you feel like they at least genuinely know what makes games great. I’ll always take this over Doogie or Samuel L. Jackson, who come off as master bullshitters, or people like Olivia Munn, who think geek cred is owed to them. And to be totally honest, all of the bullshit tonight was just to plug the website, satisfy the “everyone must Twitter” fad, or to help out a great, unsung gaming cause -- so you can’t really argue with that.

So the show itself wasn’t bad, and I’ve already addressed the awards, so let’s touch on why everyone really watched this -- for the games that were previewed. Let’s look back at the line-up: Command and Conquer Generals 2, NFL Blitz 2012, Alan Wake 1.5, Spiderman 2012, Gears of Transformers 2, Bioshock 3, and Diablo 3. In fact, the only original games were the resurrection of the Rainbow Six franchise, two zombie games, and Metal Gear game with a style and character nobody wanted. Don’t get me wrong, some of these games will be great, but just don’t be surprised if this show looks exactly the same next year. See ya then!