It’s that time of year again. Time to recap the Spike TV Video Game Awards. I honestly didn’t think I’d be doing this 3 years in a row, but since I love video games and bad television, every year I feel almost honored to detail the happenings to everybody on the forums. Unfortunately, this year’s presentation was a little different -- it was taped a week or two earlier. That meant the results got leaked early. That also meant that all the hilariously-awful parts, like Motley Crue forgetting their lyrics, shitty jokes, and bored crowd shots could be edited out. Nevertheless, on with the show.
The show starts off on the wrong foot with Samuel L. Jackson (tonight’s host) reenacting the speech scene from the movie The Warriors. Sam’s speaking to a bunch of video game characters. Funniest part: “There’s World War II Guy standing next to Football Guy.”? The crowd also includes a lot of ho-hum characters like Tak saying the “Waaarriors”? line and Bloodrayne flashing the crowd. Sam says “Can you dig it?”? Kinda nice, but a little too ToonTown to start a historically sub-par show.
They show all the people who will be on the show and reveal that “HQ from SOCOM”? (a female voiceover) is the announcer. So much for the tradition of Funkmaster Flex and his untouched turntables.
Sam come out to do his monologue and seems actually enthusiastic. Sam talks about wanting to make a violent golf game. Meh. Ask your dad what a violent golf game would sound like and you’ve got this monologue. Sam announces Vin Diesel as the first presenter.
Vin comes out and the crowd goes nuts. Kinda. Actually, throughout the show there are only two types of crowd reactions:
1) A-minus and B-List celebrities looking unimpressed.
2) Four Asian girls going crazy and some teenage guys doing the metal handsign.
Vin gives the nominees for:
Best Performance by a Human Female:
Winner: Charlize Theron for Aeon Flux The Movie The Game
Surprisingly, Charlize is actually there. Her acting comes in handy as she “graciously” accepts the award, even though she’s standing up there like if you were suddenly given an award for Best Choice in Lunch at work in the break room. Going through the Thank Yous, we see how she won. It was made by Mtv Games. Mtv = Viacom = SpikeTV. Just makes sense, since the game wasn’t even out when it was nominated about a month and a half ago.
50 Cent comes out to perform Window Shopper. Even though he has a broken game to promote, the video playing behind him is the actual video, not a game trailer. It’s also really funny how, for a harden thug from the streets, he’s singing the edited version of his song very easily. I would’ve let the censors worry about *ish* like that.
Commercials. And, man, are these fucked up. Spike’s getting new (bad) shows”¦more on that later. Burger King is plugging King Kong by selling a cartoonishly-large burger. AOL is still around and they’re offering protection to noobs (ever notice they never mention anti-adware in the ads). Mountain Dew’s advertising their Red Bull-knockoff Dew with night-vision animals singing a Lionel Richie song. And top it all off with an anti-peer pressure ad. Truly, truly fucked up ads.
When we come back, two Good Charlotte guys and Jaime Pressely (I still can’t believe she’s going to be Tina in the DOA movie) come out making a joke about sports. It ends with one of the guys yelling “STEROIDS!” into the camera. The crowd was talking amongst themselves through the joke, so he probably did it to get their attention. They present:
Best Individual Sports Award (i.e. non-licensed sports game):
Winner: Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland
Tony comes up and even he jokes that the category is bullshit, and then says something like “you keep buyin’ them, they’ll keep makin’ them.” It should also be mentioned that the trophy is still a gold-MonkeyBone statue with a crown. I still don’t get it.
Keifer Sutherland(!) comes out an starts talking like he’s on an infomercial. Oh, it’s because he’s debuting the new 24 game. Seriously, look up screenshots of the Alias game and replace Jennifer Garner’s character with his. Add a dash of Splinter Cell and there you go.
UFC guys Randy Couture and Chuck Lidell come out to present. Makes sense -- CSI, UFC, and Bond movies are the only things they show on Spike these days.
Best Action Game:
Winner: God of War
Designer David Jaffe accepts and starts mentioning all the violence in the game while the box art is displayed behind him. You don’t have to do the hard-sell with me. God of War is the only winning game I’ve played so far.
A promo is shown for a new Spike TV show -- Fresh Baked Videogames. Would you take a shot in the pills by an NFL kicker for a copy of Blitz the League? I wouldn’t. But somebody on that show did. Don’t worry, it looked all staged anyway.
Commercials. End of the first half. Click here for the next part.
Samuel L. Jackson comes back talking about there being no black characters in videogames. Except for CJ the gang member in San Andreas. It all ends in a bad Hot Coffee joke. With his mod, turning characters black turns Halo into Heybro. Sigh.
Carmen Electra comes out to present. The camera pans up her while she looks embarrassed to be there. Actually, it looks like Carmen’s seen better days, especially in the face.
Best Performance by a Human Male
Winner: Jack Black for Peter Jackson’s King Kong the Official Game of the Movie
Yes that’s the game’s full name. Jack Black wasn’t there, but they did show a video of Jack in a trailer, cussing like Tourette’s and acting like the award was bullshit. Did I mention that I don’t even think the game was out when this was filmed, let alone when the game was nominated.
The band Shinedown(?) nominates God of War for Game of the Year while acting “metal.” Thankfully, they just show game footage instead of geeks and slackers gushing over the thing like the nominees last year.
50 Cent comes out and mumbles his way through a bad Lara Croft joke. Seriously, this guy acted in a movie?! While he fumbles the joke, they keep showing a woman smiling in the audience like she’s humoring him.
Cybervixen of the Year:
Winner: Maria Menounos (had to look up the name)
I guess she played as Ivana Tonocunt in that crappy 007 game that C4 played. Turns out the smiling woman was Maria all along, so there you go. Mr. Cent (after ordering the trophy girl to pronounce Maria’s name) immediately starts staring up and down Maria while she acts like this is all a Punk’d joke. Your Cybervixen, ladies and gentlemen.
The show takes an odd turn as a 70’s porn star-looking guy comes out with Everybody Loves Raymond’s mom. They’re here to talk about Pac-Man turning 25. Ok. Here’s a video of Dane Cook in a pizza parlor cussing at a Pac-Man machine, sticking the joystick up his butt, and finally humping the machine. Sure.
Commercials. Nothin’ too funny.
Coming back, Tony Hawk and Kristanna Loken pimp THAW and Bloodrayne. Sorry Kristanna, Bloodrayne’s ship has already sailed and sank a while ago. But they are presenting a cool award.
Designer of the Year:
Winner: David Jaffe for God of War
Last year, this award was lumped in with a bunch of others, so the winner was never shown. Of course, the winner was the designer of Halo 2, so take that for what it’s worth. Jaffe seems genuinely thankful to get the award, so that’s nice. Although Miyamoto was up for Nintendogs and it would have been uber if he won and showed up.
Xhibit and Josie Maran talk about gamers being lazy and sexless. What is that, like 5 stereotypical gamer jokes so far?
Winner: Burnout Revenge
Funny that an unlicensed racing game won a licensed award. Unfortunately, the envelope was not presented by a
David Banner comes out. Who? He’s here to show the clump of awards they didn’t want to present trophies for.
Best Military Game: Call of Duty 2
Best Handheld Game: Lumines
Best Multiplayer Game (meaning MMO): World of Warcraft
Best Wireless Game: Marc Ecko’s Getting Up
That’s the funniest name for a game I’ve heard in a looong time.
The show comes back with Jack Black in his trailer. Christ, now he’s in his underwear. The shelf above the camera just presented him the award for Best Cast for PJKK:TOGOTM. Best Cast? I haven’t played it, but it looks like there are only two characters, King Kong and the FPS guy.
Natasha Bedingfield and Freddy Rodriguez (seriously who?!) nominate Resident Evil 4 for Game of the Year.
Next up are the two recognizable guys from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Both the guys and the audience go crazy like it’s 1992. Especially those four Asian girls. Anthony Kiedis makes Flea shake his ass while he’s stares at him like 50 Cent. Tonight, they pay tribute to the most famous arcade player of all time. His initials are all over the high scores. Billy Mitchell? Nope, FUK. How about 2nd place -- ASS. The lesson here: there is no gaming history.
Best Original Song:
Winner: 50 Cent for some song in his game
According to the announcer, 50 also won for Best Newcomer. Keep in mind this game also wasn’t out when it was nominated. 50 comes up and just gives the award to some guy named Spider. And, following tradition, he doesn’t perform the winning song. That still doesn’t make sense.
Speaking of music and not making sense, out next is…Def Leppard?! They come out rockin’ as hard as only a bunch of 50 year olds can. Apparently, they have a new album, because this isn’t the usual whisper-rock song the classic rock station keeps playing. The greatest part is, since the audience doesn’t care, the lead singer finds the four crazy Asian girls and sings just to them for a while. Cheesy, but not as hilariously-awful like Motley Crue last year. Well, there’s always next year when I bet Poison will perform.
Commercials. Just a heads-up -- the Bloodrayne movie commercial has the Sci-Fi Channel announcer and looks like Ghetto-Highlander. And we find out why SLJ is hosting -- he has a new movie: Freedomland. Personally, I’m waiting for his other movie -- Snakes on a Plane. Seriously, that’s a real movie coming out. Look it up.
Coming back, Sam starts talking about Gov. Schwartzenegger passing a bill against video game violence. And then he has a good laugh by showing Terminator scenes going against everything in the bill. Then he laughs some more. We’re talking Destro style laughs.
Carson Daly nominates Call of Duty 2 for Game of the Year. Because when you think of “next generation” and “advanced war simulator”, you think of Carson Daly.
Maria Whatshername comes out talking about movie games. She still thinks this is a prank, so she starts giggling and acting goofy during the joke. This makes it the best joke of the night.
Best Game Based on a Movie:
Winner: Peter Jackson’s King Kong the Official Game of the Movie
Jack Black’s back and now he’s on the shitter cussing at the camera. Laughing yet? After Jack’s video, the designer comes up and gets an award. He tells the story about how Peter Jackson came to him personally after playing Beyond Good & Evil and then he picks up the trophy girl and steals her like King Kong. The designer seemed pretty cool, so it’s good to see him getting some recognition. And Peter Jackson was right ““ BG&E is a solid game.
Next up, we see an exclusive debut of Scarface the Game. Here’s a fun drinking game you can play at home: take a drink every time you see a shot directly lifted from the
Commercials. End of the third part. Click here to continue.
Samuel L. Jackson comes back and debuts a game from a franchise that’s paid him well. The game is Star Wars: Empire at War. Basically, it’s Star Wars: The RTS. It’s set in space and on the land, and looks a little prettier than your average RTS. And that’s about it. Sorry, I don’t play RTSes.
The band Taking Back Sunday(?) nominates World of Warcraft for Game of the Year. They try to act metal too, but look a little too “couch potato” to pull it off.
TNA Wrestling’s Jeff Jarrett and the Real World’s Melinda Somebody come out next. Jarrett is out here because he’s the NWA Champ in TNA - that thing that airs after UFC sometimes. For those not familiar with wrestling, basically Jarrett is the champ because he’s part owner of the company, even though he was a has-been wrestler up to 7 years ago and there are at least 10 other guys who should have the title for TNA to get off the ground. Sorry, had to do my TNA rant real quick.
Most Addictive Game Fueled By Dew
Winner: World of Warcraft
The designer accepts and acts strangely creepy as he says his thanks. Like he’s part PR guy and part evil genius.
Commercials. Wednesday is the World Premiere of the movie eXtreme Ops on Spike TV. Guess someone finally bought a copy from the $5.50 bin at Walmart.
Jared Leto (he’s still around?) nominated FEAR for Game of the Year. Last I saw of him was in Fight Club, so I have no idea why he’s here. Neither does he, since he’s reading those cue cards like they just pulled him out of the bathroom to replace someone at the last second.
Snoop Dogg comes out to present the EA award. Since they’ve burned through every other gamer stereotype, it’s time to tackle the touchy one -- the Black Gamer Stereotype. You know they only play Madden and talk shit while they play it. To demonstrate, here’s Sam and the Clueless guy from Scrubs to act out the Black Gamer Stereotype. After the “Titanic”? diss/joke drops dead, Snoop goes on with the nominees.
Best Team Sports Game:
Winner: Madden 2006
To be honest, I’m just guessing Madden won. After I heard it was nominated, I went to the bathroom.
When I get back, they’re showing footage from the new Spy Hunter game with The Rock in it. Nothing much, it’s just the CGI trailer. From gameplay parts, it looks like smooth graphics but ho-hum controls, like those latest 007 games. At least the car transforms. Wait, wasn’t Spy Hunter originally about a car?!
Commercials. It should be noted that after all the commercials, they’ve been showing winners of different online Viewer’s Choice polls. This one said 60% of voters picked Game Informer as Best Gaming Magazine, so there’s their annual plug. Personally, I’ve never heard of anyone reading that mag. Isn’t it only sold in EB or something? But it is funny that an actual magazine won. I figured the Best Gaming Magazine winner would either be “whichever one I got the free subscription to”, “the .pdfs I get online”, or “Sorry, I have the Internet.”
Missy Elliot is now performing…something. Sorry, I can’t ID Missy Elliot songs. It looks like Missy broke her leg, but instead of using something cool like crutches, she’s scooting around the stage in one of those handicapped carts from Walmart. The best part is when some Ed Lover looking guy pushes the cart down one ramp like they’re dancing. This, combined with her dancers doing the butt dance -- too funny.
Sam comes out to tell the last stereotypical gamer joke. You’ve said it before. I’ve been saying it for like 10 years now. It goes something like “I don’t do multiplayer. I usually end up playing with myself.”? Anyways…
Game of the Year:
Winner: Resident Evil 4
A surprising winner. Well not really, considering that 3 out of the 5 nominees were PC games, and they probably didn’t want to send David Jaffe up there again for God of War. The sickest part is when the designer of RE4 is giving his acceptance speech (with his translator) the camera pans to all the Asians in the audience, like “see, someone knows what he’s saying.”
Sam cuts some lame afterparty jokes and…that’s it. Pretty anticlimactic. I halfway expected something like a mystery celebrity to appear, or have them unveil Super Mario 3. Nope, nothin’. Although to rack up the rest of their “For Men”? points, the camera stares at the trophy girls’ asses while the credits roll. The awards show does end on an unintentionally funny moment. They show an outtake of what looks like Sam killing some time by reciting his bible verse from Pulp Fiction. And then-bam!-right back to a shot of the girl’s ass. And that’s the 2005 Spike TV Video Games Award Show.
Overall, the awards show wasn’t anything special, but I think this is as good as it’s going to get. The first show suffered from ADHD. The second show had music acts every 10 minutes. This show just seemed like what you would expect from a non-gaming channel using stars who’ve never heard of 97% of the games mentioned. One girl acted like the show was fake. One guy gave away his award. The rest of the stars acted like the awards were bullshit (which, arguably, they were) while the designers acted truly honored. I don’t know, maybe I’m expecting too much of a “gamer” show from an “I heard you kids like this game” awards show. My first clue should have been that half of the games nominated in late October weren’t even released by then. Oh well. At least there’s some sort of show giving video games recognition. But, fear not. I am truly a glutton for punishment. To paraphrase Tony Hawk: if those idiots keep making ‘em, this idiot will keep watching ‘em.
Friday, November 20, 2009
2005 Spike TV Video Game Awards Recap
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